I've never thought of myself as a mushy person. I mean sure I like romance, I like emotional intamacy and good connections with people, but I've never been too huggy-kissy-sappy!
Until I had kids.........
These kids have brought out the mushiest, sappiest kind of love there ever could be inside of me! I want to hold them, squeeze them, tell them a zillion times I love them, stare at them in wonder and amazement.......AND never let them go. Ever. Really, EVER! (Un)lucky for me Lauren is just as crazy about all the mushiness as I am. Blake, not so much. Lauren and I have allowed our mushiness to turn into a bad habit over night. In retrospect, I just saw it as necessary bonding time and part of something much bigger. She's needed me in a way that only she can need me..............and NOW we're both paying the price.
This week I've introduced sleep training for my 4 year old. While I've enjoyed the last year of snuggling close to her at night after missing her all day, we're both suffering. She wakes up countless times a night looking for me becuase she doesn't want to sleep alone, etc. Neither of us get a full nights sleep in our own beds (I have a husband, ya know!!) and I am often confused and forgetting where I am and what day it is beucase I am all over the place all night long. We saw her pediatrician earlier this week who made some good suggestions that we are incorporating immediately. Lauren's always been over the top, dramatic, needy, vocal, and demanding...........so this is going to be hard becuase there has been alot of crying on her part and alot of guilt on my part. Bottom line is we need our space. Literally. I'm not good at tough love. I want to bed over backwards to make my kids happy. I never want them to wonder how much I love them. Sadly, this makes me feel like she thinks I suddenly don't love her as much. What a complicated feeling.
On the other hand, I only dream of Blake needing me this much. I want him to be a momma's boy but he's definitely not. At least not at this stage. If it roars, works, has tires or makes noise then he's cool with it. Mom doesn't do those things so at this point he's okay just to say hi to me in passing. He doesn't want to be hugged, carried, snuggled, or loved on for longer than a millisecond and it makes me sad. It's kind of the reason I really felt I wanted more kids so I could balance out all the differing personalities, never havign to worry if one felt favored over the other just becuase they are so different on every level. With one child of each extreme it is sort of a challenge to balance the vast differences BUT.........there will be no more kids and I'll find a way to balance what I've got :) Adding that to my goals for 2011.
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